All wavs on this page were sampled at (8 bit mono 11Khz) and all mp3s on this page were sampled at (80kbs 44Khz).

ontheroof.wav(192K) ontheroof.mp3(192K)

Clark (Jon Heder): "Dang it."
Gus (Rob Schneider): "Nice throw. It's alright. I got a ladder. I'll get it."
Clark: "Actually just tell Mrs. Donnelly it's on the roof and she can get it whenever she wants."
Gus: "Oh, that's good thinking, Clark. I'll just have 80-year-old Mrs. Donnelly climb on her roof to get her newspaper."
Clark: "Okay, cool. Thanks."

dangit.wav(13K) dangit.mp3(13K)

Clark: "Dang it."

notontheroof.wav(263K) notontheroof.mp3(263K)

Clark: "Actually just tell Mrs. Donnelly it's on the roof and she can get it whenever she wants."
Gus: "Oh, that's good thinking, Clark. I'll just have 80-year-old Mrs. Donnelly climb on her roof to get her newspaper."
Clark: "Okay, cool. Thanks."
Gus: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Clark, hey. I was kidding. You can't do that."
Clark: "Alright fine. Here, give her one of these."
Gus: "This is yesterday's paper."
Clark: "Well, at least it's not on the roof."

pickyournose.wav(90K) pickyournose.mp3(90K)

Gus: "Clark, don't pick your nose in front of me, please."
Clark: "I'm not picking, I'm scratching."
Gus: "What are you scratching your brain?"
Clark: "Yeah, 'cause it's huge!"

chainbreak.wav(59K) chainbreak.mp3(59K)

Clark: "Chain break! Not now! I have 86 houses left."

myreflexes.wav(101K) myreflexes.mp3(101K)

Gus: "Maybe this is a sign you should get a car."
Clark: "My mother said I should hold off getting my license for one more year. You know, just to make sure my reflexes are fully developed."

ilovebeefstew.wav(25K) ilovebeefstew.mp3(25K)

Clark: "I love beef stew!"

frickencruel.wav(30K) frickencruel.mp3(30K)

Gus: "Why do kids have to be so fricken cruel?"

baseball.wav(289K) baseball.mp3(289K)

Gus: "You know, I haven't been on an actual field in almost 20 years."
Clark: "I've never even been on a field. If I tried, the kids in my neighborhood would spit loogies on my forehead."
Gus: "That's awful, Clark. Baseball is America's pastime. That's like saying you've never had apple pie. You've never had apple pie?!"
Clark: "Well, my mom said it would give me diarrhea."
Gus: "That's ridiculous. YOu have to try it at least once."
Clark: "Diarrhea?"

garlicbread.wav(122K) garlicbread.mp3(122K)

Clark: "Hold on. My mom's sending me a text message. No way! We're having macaroni tonight! That means garlic bread! Yes! Awesome!"

sexscenes.wav(263K) sexscenes.mp3(263K)

Female Customer (Jackie Sandler): "Excuse me."
Richie (David Spade): "Yeah?"
Female Customer: "I rented this movie on your recommendation and it's nothing but a lame story with a lot of lesbian sex scenes."
Richie: "And you didn't like it?"
Female Customer: "I watched it with my parents. It was very uncomfortable."
Richie: "Come on, it's kind of hot."
Female Customer: "No, it's not."
Richie: "Alright, I'm sorry. Um, I'll tell you what. I'm gonna recommend this: Haunted Slumber Party. It's actually a pretty decent film."
Female Customer: "No lesbian sex scenes?"
Richie: "I think there's two."
Female Customer: "You're a pig."

daytimeemmy.wav(120K) daytimeemmy.mp3(120K)

Clark: "I told Gus we'd be there, Richie. And if we don't go, that makes me a liar. And that's not what I'm about. Not now, not ever!"
Richie: "Alright, Daytime Emmy."

whoyouare.wav(57K) whoyouare.mp3(57K)

Richie: "Hey, Marty, I'm gonna split early, alright?"
Marty (Charles Dugan): "I don't even know who you are."

brosbeforehos.wav(13K) brosbeforehos.mp3(13K)

Richie: "Bros before hos, dude."

eyeontheball.wav(68K) eyeontheball.mp3(68K)

Gus: "You gotta keep your eye on the ball."
Richie: "Wow, you just think of that? You're an amazing coach."

membership.wav(62K) membership.mp3(62K)

Clark: "Duuuuuh!"
Richie: "You just lost your membership at Video Spot!"
Clark: "Dang it!"

dangit2.wav(11K) dangit2.mp3(11K)

Clark: "Dang it!"

childrenofthecorn.wav(54K) childrenofthecorn.mp3(54K)

Kyle (Matt Weinberg): "Leave our field, or you'll pay the consequences!"
Richie: "What is this, Children of the Corn?"

callthecops.wav(101K) callthecops.mp3(101K)

Kyle: "I-I'm gonna call the cops."
Clark: "We are cops! We're Navy SEALs."
Kyle: "Navy SEALs aren't cops."
Troy (Danny McCarthy): "Aren'y you our paper boy?"
Clark: "I'm undercover."

theylooktough.wav(24K) theylooktough.mp3(24K)

Clark: "This is a bad idea. They look tough."

itscooler.wav(99K) itscooler.mp3(99K)

Richie: "Clark used to get beef laid in his face all the time."
Clark: "Oh, and you didn't?"
Richie: "I got wedgies, that's different. It's cooler."

makersofwhat.wav(47K) makersofwhat.mp3(47K)

Kyle: "Time to meet your makers!"
Clark: "Makers of what, poop?!"

strikezone.wav(79K) strikezone.mp3(79K)

Umpire (Michael Westphal): "Strike!"
Gus: "Don't swing if it's not in the strike zone."
Clark: "Where's the strike zone?"
Umpire: "Strike two!"
Gus: "Right there."

goodcatcher.wav(40K) goodcatcher.mp3(40K)

Richie: "Hey, I bet you're a real good catcher... of doughnuts, in your mouth."

notasword.wav(66K) notasword.mp3(66K)

Umpire: "Strike!"
Gus: "Don't chop at it. It's not a sword."
Richie: "You're not a sword."

tickedit.wav(135K) tickedit.mp3(135K)

Umpire: "Strike three!"
Richie: "Huh?"
Catcher (Ray Nicholson): "I caught it. You're out."
Richie: "But I ticked it. It hit the bat."
Catcher: "You're still out."
Richie: "You're still fat. I ticked it! Whoo! I ticked it. Gus, you see that?"

thesedogs.wav(183K) thesedogs.mp3(183K)

Richie: "I ticked it! Whoo! I ticked it. Gus, you see that?"
Gus: "Way to make contact on that one."
Richie: "Oh, yeah. You know what? I was trying to get under it to rip it into left and throw 'em off, but the dog barking threw me."
Gus: "What dog?"
Richie: "He's gone, he ran into the bushes. It's cool now. Alright, go, go, Gus. Come on! Let's get rid of these dogs."

steroidfree.wav(104K) steroidfree.mp3(104K)

Clark: "Whoo! Yeah!"
Richie: "He just did that steroid-free."
Clark: "What's steroids?"
Richie: "Something that makes your pee-pee smaller."
Clark: "There must be steroids in macaroni."

sonofsatan.wav(26K) sonofsatan.mp3(26K)

Richie: "I don't need lip from you, son of Satan."

smackit.wav(36K) smackit.mp3(36K)

Richie: "Get another homer for us, Gus."
Gus: "Yeah, smack it in the butt!"

ihitafoul.wav(99K) ihitafoul.mp3(99K)

Richie: "All these punk teenagers are like, 'Get off our field.' And we're like, 'We'll play you for it.' And we did, and we beat 'em. And I hit a foul, dude, it was sweet."
Clark: "It was awesome"

sunwantstohurtme.wav(71K) sunwantstohurtme.mp3(71K)

Howie (Nick Swardson): "Outside, bad. The sun, scary. He's no-- He's not my friend. He wants to hurt me. Safe room."

applejuice.wav(21K) applejuice.mp3(21K)

Clark: "Ooh, is that apple juice?"
Richie: "No!"

ilovesalad.wav(143K) ilovesalad.mp3(143K)

Richie: "What's going on?"
Sarah/Salad Girl (Erinn Bartlett): "Nothing. Just refilling the bar."
Richie: "I love salad."
Sarah: "Yeah, it's... good and good for you."
Richie: "I love salad."

redghost.wav(41K) redghost.mp3(41K)

Gus: "How's Ms. Pac-Man treating you?"
Clark: "That red ghost is kicking my balls."

knightrider.wav(76K) knightrider.mp3(76K)

Clark: "This car is so radical. Looks just like K.I.T.T. from the show Knight Rider."
Mel (Jon Lovitz): "It is K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider."

makebillions.wav(224K) makebillions.mp3(224K)

Clark: "Looks just like K.I.T.T. from the show Knight Rider."
Mel: "It is K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider. Watch this."
K.I.T.T. (William Daniels): "Allow me to introduce myself. I'm K.I.T.T."
Richie: "Who are you?"
Mel: "Oh, I'm just one of thone nerds who grew up... to make billions."

imkitt.wav(38K) imkitt.mp3(38K)

K.I.T.T.: "Allow me to introduce myself. I'm K.I.T.T."

thepeel-out.wav(111K) thepeel-out.mp3(111K)

Mel: "I have yet to perfect the peel-out."
Gus: "It was fine."
Richie: "No, no, no. That was cool."
Gus: "It was cool."
Clark: "That was bad."
Richie: "Chicks were checking you out."
K.I.T.T.: "Try not to destroy me completely, Mel."

borackwarrior.wav(112K) borackwarrior.mp3(112K)

Clark: "Check out this mitt. It's all black. I look like a Borack warrior from the Captain Mighty series. (Immitating Borack warrior)"

youknowwords.wav(124K) youknowwords.mp3(124K)

Brad (Sean Salisbury): "So I heard from Jerry you tools think you're athletes now."
Richie: "That's funny, I didn't know athlete had three syllables. 'A-tha-lete?' That's ama-za-zing."
Brad: "You think your hot bleep because you know words."

bringit.wav(62K) bringit.mp3(62K)

Richie: "You can't handle the truth!"
Brad: "Bring it!"
Clark: "Suck it!"

purplenuts.wav(44K) purplenuts.mp3(44K)

Gus: "You okay, Richie?"
Richie: "Yeah, I'm fine. Just purple nuts."

slowitdown.wav(73K) slowitdown.mp3(73K)

Clark: "(Strike wizzes by) Could you tell him to slow it down? (Another strike wizzes by) Did you tell him?"

freeforlunch.wav(127K) freeforlunch.mp3(127K)

Mel: "Are-- Are you free for lunch tomorrow?"
Richie: "Uh, you know, I usually take lunch from 12 to 4:30, so if it's in there I could handle it."
Clark: "Tomorrow is egg salad day but I guess I could double up on lunch."

introuble.wav(90K) introuble.mp3(90K)

Clark: "What do you think it's about?"
Richie: "Dude, you're in trouble."
Clark: "No way."
Gus: "Yeah. You're deffinitely busted."
Clark: "I didn't do anything. I swear!"

anykids.wav(69K) anykids.mp3(69K)

Mel: "Now, Richie, do you have any kids?"
Richie: "Never had a date."
Mel: "Clark?"
Clark: "Never spoke to a girl."

throwcrapat.wav(39K) throwcrapat.mp3(39K)

Jerry (Craig Kilborn): "Guys, if there weren't nerds in the world, who would we throw crap at?"

portapotty.wav(115K) portapotty.mp3(115K)

Mel: "How you feeling?"
Clark: "I just destroyed that Porta-Potty, but I'm feeling better."
Out-House Guy (Earl Skakel): "Who did this? (Hurls)"
Richie: "Ho!"
Clark: "Sorry!"

beforeicouldwalk.wav(78K) beforeicouldwalk.mp3(78K)

Gus: "Come on! What are we waiting for? Let's kick som hairless ass!"
Mel: "I had hair on my ass before I could walk!"

fouledtwice.wav(188K) fouledtwice.mp3(188K)

Umpire: "Strike!"
Richie: "I ticked it! I ticked it again."
Umpire: "Strike!"
Mel: "Nice try, son."
Richie: "Whoo! Just fould twice in front of salad girl."
Clark: "Nice."

thishappening.wav(20K) thishappening.mp3(20K)

Clark: "Why is this happening?"

illkillyou.wav(68K) illkillyou.mp3(68K)

Number 7 Robot (Doug Jones): "Ha, ha, ha, I heard you stunk."
Clark: "Shut up, Number 7."
Number 7 Robot: "You shut up."
Clark: "I'll kill you."

drivesmecrazy.wav(129K) drivesmecrazy.mp3(129K)

Mel: "Reginator and I went through some tough times together with bullies and being picked on and what not."
Reggie Jackson (Himself): "I can't stand that stuff. Drives me crazy! Crazy!"
Mel: "Easy, buddy. Easy."

ripyourthroatout.wav(61K) ripyourthroatout.mp3(61K)

Old Man (Chipps Cooney): "Nobody messes with me! I will rip your throat out! Do you hear me?!"

boogityboogity.wav(37K) boogityboogity.mp3(37K)

Mel: "Boogity, boogity, boogity, let's go racing!"

myaddresstoo.wav(137K) myaddresstoo.mp3(137K)

Autograph Kid (Jared Sandler): "Can we have your autographs?"
Richie: "Are you serious? Yeah, you can."
Gus: "Alright."
Richie: "Write my name right here on the ball? You see that home run? Tell your sister about it."
Clark: "Wait, do you need my address too?"

tomyearhair.wav(27K) tomyearhair.mp3(27K)

Mel: "This is music to my ear hair."

girlscouts.wav(205K) girlscouts.mp3(205K)

Richie: "Howie, listen to me, look, they're not gonna kill you. Alright? They're just dropping off the cookies I ordered."
Howie: "They look very aggressive. I think they wanna beat me up."
Richie: "Trust me, you'll be fine. Just take the Thin Mints back into the apartment. That's our food for the week."
Howie: "Fine. You can eat the Thin Mints at my funeral, Richie."

cinnamonrolls.wav(60K) cinnamonrolls.mp3(60K)

Richie: "Marty, what do you think of my future wife?"
Marty: "I smell cinnamon rolls."

statistics.wav(112K) statistics.mp3(112K)

Gus: "They got statistics. I hit 30 home runs."
Richie: "I got 11 foul ticks."
Clark: "I have 20 eyes-closed strikeouts, five broken windshields and six dead birds. I'm freaking awesome!"

freakingawosome.wav(62K) freakingawosome.mp3(62K)

Clark: "I have 20 eyes-closed strikeouts, five broken windshields and six dead birds. I'm freaking awesome!"

makesomeroom.wav(90K) makesomeroom.mp3(90K)

Gus: "Just make some room, honey. I gotta take a leak."
Liz: "Oh, my god, you're not kidding! Gus, stop it!"

thirdcandybar.wav(103K) thirdcandybar.mp3(103K)

Richie: "It sleeps five and it's got Playstation."
Clark: "Check the fridge, it's full of sweets. I'm already on my third candy bar."
Gus: "Oh, man."
Clark: "Mother would not approve of this."

likeamummy.wav(24K) likeamummy.mp3(24K)

Clark: "Hey, Richie, I look like a mummy!"

iamtwelve.wav(321K) iamtwelve.mp3(321K)

Jerry: "I wanted you guys to have a little edge today, so I brought my friend Carlos. He is from the Dominican Republic, and he is one incredible ball player."
Wayne (Tim Meadows): "Carlos, that's great. Uh, how old are you?"
Carlos: "I am 12."
Wayne: "More like 1200."
Carlos: "Check my birth certificate."
Jerry: "He's legit."
Wayne: "You're kidding. This is green crayon."
Carlos's Son (Alastair Douglas): "Papi, Papi!"
Carlos: "Silencio, Mijo."
Wayne: "This your kid?"

drinklikethat.wav(29K) drinklikethat.mp3(29K)

Mel: "Letting a 12-year-old drink like that is disgusting."

howiescreams.wav(20K) howiescreams.mp3(20K)

Howie: "(Howie screams and swings the bat)"

castspells.wav(90K) castspells.mp3(90K)

Marcus: "(Speaking giberish and waving a wand)"
Mrs. Ellwood (Mary Jo Catlett): "Marcus, stop trying to cast spells."

nerdswillcome.wav(36K) nerdswillcome.mp3(36K)

Mel: "If you build it, nerds will come."

allivegotonme.wav(70K) allivegotonme.mp3(70K)

Mel: "Keep it under a billion. It's all I've got... on me."

theforce.wav(130K) theforce.mp3(130K)

Clark: "We could still win this thing."
Richie: "Wha-- How?"
Clark: "If we use the Force."
Richie: "Let's try not to be too geeky, Clark."
Clark: "The Force is powerful, my young padawan."
Howie: "He's right, it is."

likerambo.wav(59K) likerambo.mp3(59K)

Clark: "This nerd makes me seem like Rambo."
Richie: "I don't think so."
Clark: "John Stamos?"
Richie: "Warmer."

moderndayyoda.wav(103K) moderndayyoda.mp3(103K)

Clark: "He's a modern-day Yoda."
Richie: "Yeah, yeah."
Clark: "I mean, not his looks but his philosophy stuff. Actually, his looks too."
Richie: "His looks a little bit too, yeah."

sunwasamonster.wav(104K) sunwasamonster.mp3(104K)

Howie: "For years I though the sun was a monster. I'm here to tell you that it's not a monster. It's not a monster!"
Gus: "Alright, you're alright."
Richie: "Okay. Take him in the shade."

sawyourhead.wav(37K) sawyourhead.mp3(37K)

Richie: "Oh, my god. I just saw your head for the first time. Eee."

strikeout.wav(112K) strikeout.mp3(112K)

Richie: "Another strikeout. And a strikeout. Strikeout. Strikeout. Strikeout. Strikeout. And a strikeout."

kissedagirl.wav(95K) kissedagirl.mp3(95K)

Richie: "I've never actually, like, totally, 100-percent kissed a girl before... and uh, I was wondering if you would be my first one."

betterthanmacaroni.wav(78K) betterthanmacaroni.mp3(78K)

Richie: "Clark! You kissed a girl before I did?"
Clark: "This is way better than macaroni."

notafan.wav(92K) notafan.mp3(92K)

Howie: "I'm not afraid of the un anymore."
Wayne: "That's good, buddy. How's the moon treating you?"
Howie: "Not a fan. (Eats some sunscreen)"

allthewaymean.wav(93K) allthewaymean.mp3(93K)

Howie: "What does all the way mean? (Wayne whispers in his ear and then Howie screams)"