All wavs on this page were sampled at (8 bit mono 11Khz) and all mp3s on this page were sampled at (80kbs 44Khz).

galaga.wav(176K) galaga.mp3(176K) galaga.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Opening Credits: "(The music from Galaga in the opening titles of the movie)"

stophittingme.wav(150K) stophittingme.mp3(150K) stophittingme.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Josh (Jonathan Loughran): "Bleep! Stop hitting me!"
Alex (Allen Covert): "This is like if Tyson fought an infant."
Josh: "I can't wait to punch you in the face while you're sleeping tonight. Get up! Get up!"
Alex: "Saved by the bell."

knockedyouout.wav(60K) knockedyouout.mp3(60K) knockedyouout.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Josh: "Boom! Knocked you out! Eat it, whore!"

bongwaterreeks.wav(29K) bongwaterreeks.mp3(29K) bongwaterreeks.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Josh: "Oh! The bong water reeks."

cypresshill.wav(37K) cypresshill.mp3(37K) cypresshill.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Yuri (Rob Schneider): "This is bullbleep. It's like Cypress Hill concert in here."

youreahooker.wav(237K) youreahooker.mp3(237K) youreahooker.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Josh: "I love them so much."
Alex: "You love who?"
Josh: "The girls at Madame Kamay's Filipino Palace."
ALex: "You've been spending our rent money on Filipino hookers?"
Josh: "They're not hookers. They're masage therepists."
Mover #1 (Kevin Nash): "They'll massage your cock for money."
Mover #2 (Todd Holland): "There's a word for that. I think it's 'hooker'."
Josh: "You're a hooker!"

oneextraminute.wav(95K) oneextraminute.mp3(95K) oneextraminute.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Yuri: "And if you take one extra minute, I have my two friends, they take your testicles and remeve them through your anus."

creditcard.wav(73K) creditcard.mp3(73K) creditcard.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Josh: "I'm sorry, Alex. I-I should have told you."
Alex: "You can't whack it to internet porn like everyone else?"
Josh: "You know I don't have a credit card."

smokinglamp.wav(49K) smokinglamp.mp3(49K) smokinglamp.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "Where's the bong?"
Yuri: "Alex, you forgot smoking lamp."

expensivepiece.wav(98K) expensivepiece.mp3(98K) expensivepiece.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Yuri: "You forgot smoking lamp. (He throws it at their feet and it breaks.) I'm sorry, was that expensive piece?"

christmastree.wav(124K) christmastree.mp3(124K) christmastree.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "Don't you answe your phone? I've ben calling for half an hour."
Dante (Peter Dante): "Oh, I'm sorry. I was putting up my Christmas tree."
Alex: "Dude, it's July."
Dante: "Get the bleep out of here. It is?"
Alex: "Yeah."

whyareyounaked.wav(101K) whyareyounaked.mp3(101K) whyareyounaked.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "Why are you naked?"
Dante: "Oh, my God. I am naked! Come on in!"
Alex: "Dude, your ass is tanner than my face."

insanity.wav(27K) insanity.mp3(27K) insanity.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dante: "That is pure bleeping insanity"

withalion.wav(285K) withalion.mp3(285K) withalion.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "I was wondering if maybe I could crash here for awhile."
Dante: "Whoa. I don't know, man. I got a business to run. This is like my office as well as my home. Plus, the lion comes in a couple days."
Alex: "You're gettin a lion?"
Dante: "Yeah."
Alex: "Why?"
Dante: "To protect my bleep."
Alex: "Never heard of a dog?"
Dante: "Dude, you can get past a dog. Nobody bleeps with a lion."
Alex: "Yeah, that's true."

gettingalion.wav(58K) gettingalion.mp3(58K) gettingalion.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "You're gettin a lion?"
Dante: "Yeah."
Alex: "Why?"
Dante: "To protect my bleep."

kindofweed.wav(179K) kindofweed.mp3(179K) kindofweed.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dante: "So what kind of weed do you want? I got the Incredible Hulk, I got some of the green monster, I got the bling."
Alex: "Hey! We go through this every time I come here. I don't care what it's called. I just want a bag of bleeping weed."
Dante: "Whoa. Chill, bro. You know you can't raise your voice like that when the lion's here."

myroommates.wav(138K) myroommates.mp3(138K) myroommates.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "You sure this is okay?"
Jeff (Nick Swardson): "Yeah. It's totally cool. Just keep your voice down. My roommates are sleeping."
Alex: "You mean your parents?"
Jeff: "Yeah, same thing."
Alex: "Nice jammies."
Jeff: "Thanks. They're a present from my roommates."

supposedtosleep.wav(265K) supposedtosleep.mp3(265K) supposedtosleep.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "Um, where am I supposed to sleep?"
Jeff: "On the air mattress. Do you need a stuffed animal? I have a dog. I think I have a bear. Yeah, I have a bear."
Alex: "What are you eight?"
Jeff: "At least I have my own bed."
Alex: "Your bed in a car."
Jeff: "Yeah, but it's a bleeping sweet car."
Alex: "My roomates said they are gonna get me rims for Christmas. Or a C.B. radio. I cain talk to other car beds. That'll be hot."

sweetcar.wav(54K) sweetcar.mp3(54K) sweetcar.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "Your bed in a car."
Jeff: "Yeah, but it's a bleeping sweet car."

onmymom.wav(27K) onmymom.mp3(27K) onmymom.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jeff: "I can't believe you came on my mom."

ilovemyturtle.wav(156K) ilovemyturtle.mp3(156K) ilovemyturtle.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jeff: "You might be the biggest perv in the world right now. What were you thinking?"
Alex: "I couldn't sleep. I saw the doll."
Jeff: "So you can't wake me up to play video games or something?"
Alex: "I didn't want to disturb you. You were balls deep in that turtle with a thumb in your mouth."
Jeff: "I love my turtle."

dollisawhore.wav(25K) dollisawhore.mp3(25K) dollisawhore.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jeff: "Oh, my doll is a whore."

brushyourteeth.wav(21K) brushyourteeth.mp3(21K) brushyourteeth.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Samantha (Linda Cardellini): "Brush your teeth. I'll see you later."

whoisjohnny.wav(53K) whoisjohnny.mp3(53K) whoisjohnny.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "Johnny? Who the bleep is Johnny?"

namaste.wav(13K) namaste.mp3(13K) namaste.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Mr. Cheezle (Kevin Nealon): "Namaste, you guys."

wizzeak.wav(28K) wizzeak.mp3(28K) wizzeak.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jeff: "Your bleep's weak! Wizzeak!"

weak.wav(17K) weak.mp3(17K) weak.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jeff: "Bleep's weak!"

turdnuggets.wav(88K) turdnuggets.mp3(88K) turdnuggets.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

J.P. (Joel David Moore): "(Immitating a robot and machine gun) Adios, turd nuggets."

onyourcouch.wav(95K) onyourcouch.mp3(95K) onyourcouch.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "Hey, Timmy, any chance I can crash on your couch tonight?"
Timmy (Evan Paley): "Why? So you can jerk off on my mom?"
Alex: "Jeff's a bleeping liar, Timmy."

haveagoodday.wav(67K) haveagoodday.mp3(67K) haveagoodday.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Mrs. K (Katherine Ann McGregor): "Hi, honey."
Jeff: "Hi, mommie."
Mrs. K: "Did you have a good day?"
Jeff: "I did. Did you remember to TiVo Samurai Jack?"
Mrs. K: "I did."

denial.wav(135K) denial.mp3(135K) denial.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Grace (Shirley Jones): "Do you have a girlfriend?"
Alex: "No."
Grace: "How old are you?"
Alex: "I'll be 36 in October."
Grace: "My grandson's gay too. I'll give you his number."
Alex: "I'm not gay, but thank you."
Grace: "Denial."

yournewroom.wav(166K) yournewroom.mp3(166K) yournewroom.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Grandma Lilly (Doris Roberts): "Here's your new room, baby."
Alex: "Wow, Grandma, this is nice."
Grandma Lilly: "Oh, good."
Alex: "Hey, uh, Sophie didn't die in the bed, did she?"
Grandma Lilly: "Oh, no."
Alex: "Good, good, good."
Grandma Lilly: "No. She fell out of bed and died right here."
Alex: "Ew!"

dontcurse.wav(216K) dontcurse.mp3(216K) dontcurse.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "What the hell are you doing, Grandma?"
Grandma Lilly: "Well, I told you we were going to have fun."
Alex: "Yeah."
Grandma Lilly: "Sweetie?"
Alex: "Uh-huh?"
Grandma Lilly: "Don't curse. You're better than that."
Alex: "Okay. Bleep! That's bleeping crazy."

whatshappening.wav(285K) whatshappening.mp3(285K) whatshappening.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "(Grandfather clock chiming) Oh, god, what is happining? What the-- What? Come on. Stop that! Why are you doing this to me?! (Chiming stops) Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."

thelevels.wav(218K) thelevels.mp3(218K) thelevels.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Samantha: "Kane, you are gonna take 1 through 3."
Kane (Kelvin Yu): "Whatever you need, Samantha."
Samantha: "Barry, you'll cover 4 through 6."
Barry (Jonah Hill): "Yeah, I can do that. No problem. You're great."
Samantha: "Jeff, you're already working on 7 through 9, so why don't you just stick with those."
Jeff: "Let's do it. The levels, I mean. Not sex. Sorry."

ontopofme.wav(21K) ontopofme.mp3(21K) ontopofme.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

J.P.: "(Immitating robot) Please get on top of me."

goodorbadguy.wav(124K) goodorbadguy.mp3(124K) goodorbadguy.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Grandma Lilly: "Is this a good or a bad guy?"
Alex: "Uh, that's a bad guy. He's a drug dealer. Kill him."
Grandma Lilly: "Oh. Oh, I hate violence. But, oh, drugs are bad. Whoa."
Alex: "Ooh, nice death spike."

isntthatpretty.wav(144K) isntthatpretty.mp3(144K) isntthatpretty.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "Okay, now go in here and use your lightning to blow up those barrels."
Grandma Lilly: "Ooh! Oh, isn't that pretty?"
Alex: "Yeah."
Grandma Lilly: "Oh, this is fun."
Alex: "Hey, wow, you got to a checkpoint."
Grandma Lilly: "Is that good?"
Alex: "Yeah."

dirtydopers.wav(148K) dirtydopers.mp3(148K) dirtydopers.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "Well, so that's my game. And, uh, you know what, I have a little more work to do, so if you wanna just--"
Grandma Lilly: "Uh-uh. Wait your turn. I'm on a roll here. Ooh. Take that you dirty dopers."

becareful.wav(257K) becareful.mp3(257K) becareful.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "So, uh, how do you two know each other?"
Dante: "I met the doctor at a cockfight in Pomona. He's hooking me up with the lion. It comes tomorrow."
Alex: "Great."
Dante: "Plus, he brought over some crazy Zimbabwean weed that'll turn you into a deer."
Alex: "You know that lions eat deer, right?"
Dante: "That's true, kd. Doctor, we got to be careful."

eatyoutoo.wav(144K) eatyoutoo.mp3(144K) eatyoutoo.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "Finally, a roomate who geos shopping. Chicken cutlet. Spaghetti with garlic bread. Oh, my God, the wings to go with the breast. I don't know what you are, but I'm gonna bleeping eat you too."

microwave.wav(33K) microwave.mp3(33K) microwave.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "Of course she doesn't have a microwave. She's bleeping a hundred."

dinnertime.wav(116K) dinnertime.mp3(116K) dinnertime.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "Ooh, dinnertime. Oh, bleeping bitch, cock-sucking-bleeper-ass-bleep! Oh! Bleepdamn it!"

dickonfire.wav(27K) dickonfire.mp3(27K) dickonfire.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jeff: "(Seeing Alex's hands all bandaged up) Let me guess. Was your dick on fire?"

shatteredit.wav(18K) shatteredit.mp3(18K) shatteredit.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Barry: "I think he bleeping shattered it."

yourewierd.wav(15K) yourewierd.mp3(15K) yourewierd.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "You're bleeping wierd."

cookingchannel.wav(144K) cookingchannel.mp3(144K) cookingchannel.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "You like that cooking channel, huh, Grandma?"
Grandma Lilly: "Well, it's all food, all day. That's all they do, is they make food."
Bea (Shirley Knight): "I wanna eat the TV."
Grace: "Thanks a lot, Alex. Maybe tomorrow you can introduce them to Heroin."

fruitcupnice.wav(50K) fruitcupnice.mp3(50K) fruitcupnice.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jeff: "Fruit cup? Nice. Way to go, Mom."

soyouredumb.wav(140K) soyouredumb.mp3(140K) soyouredumb.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Bobby (Scott Halberstadt): "I'm challenging you, Jeff."
Jeff: "To what game?"
Bobby: "A little 'Dance Dance Revolution.'"
Jeff: "That's great, Bobby but we don't have 'Dance Dance Revolution,' so you're dumb."

newhighscore.wav(129K) newhighscore.mp3(129K) newhighscore.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jeff: "(After being challenged to a game) That game is fun! Oh, my god! (The game says 'A new high score') What does 'high score' mean? New high score. Is that bad? What does that mean? Did I break it?"

afraidofit.wav(191K) afraidofit.mp3(191K) afraidofit.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

J.P.: "You didn't knock, Kane."
Kane: "I did. But I think that the music was a little loud."
J.P.: "Are you afraid of it?"
Kane: "No. I-I just don't like techno."
J.P.: "You wousd if you had robot ears."
Kane: "Yeah, I guess."

greatidea.wav(55K) greatidea.mp3(55K) greatidea.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Samantha: "That... is a great idea."
J.P.: "Those are the only kind I have."

isuck.wav(112K) isuck.mp3(112K) isuck.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jeff: "What did wierdo say about the elves?"
Kane: "Shot it down."
Jeff: "What? Really? That was a good idea."
Kane: "No it wasn't. I'm a piece of bleep. I suck."
Jeff: "Relax, Kane. You're not a piece of bleep."

delivery.wav(107K) delivery.mp3(107K) delivery.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jeff: "Hello?"
Receptionist (Natalie Walk): "Delivery at the front desk for you, Alex."
Jeff: "Cool! I hope it's a naked dude with a boner."
Receptionist: "What?"
Jeff: "Nothing. Send it back."

gnarly.wav(27K) gnarly.mp3(27K) gnarly.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Barry: "Oh, that is so gnarly!"

kingofthejungle.wav(268K) kingofthejungle.mp3(268K) kingofthejungle.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Pamela Mills (Shana Hiatt): "Pamela Mills here in Van Nuys where a rare breed of African lion was captured in a residential neighborhood. Sir, what was going through your head when you came upon the lion?"
Dante: "This bleep is bleepin' crazy. I don't even know how a lion got into the neighborhood. I heard some growlin' and bleep out in the yard. So my roomate and I, we go out to check the bleep out. I look up in the tree, and there's the bleeping king of the jungle!"

calledthe50.wav(68K) calledthe50.mp3(68K) calledthe50.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dante: "It was starin' right at me. I almost bleep my bleepin' pants. So I ran inside and called the 5-0."

letsrage.wav(22K) letsrage.mp3(22K) letsrage.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jeff: "Yeah, let's bleepin' rage!"

soberandvomit.wav(110K) soberandvomit.mp3(110K) soberandvomit.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Barry: "No alcohol? This place sucks!"
Shiloh (David Spade): "Hey, fella. Give it a chance. We do serve shots... of wheatgrass."
Jeff: "That's cool, if you wanna besober and vomit."

greaseorfat.wav(122K) greaseorfat.mp3(122K) greaseorfat.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Shiloh: "Guys, come on. I know the food's a little different here, but it's actually good and good for you. We don't serve it with any grease or fat."
Alex: "If we pay extra, could we maybe get some grease or fat?"

makefunofvegans.wav(274K) makefunofvegans.mp3(274K) makefunofvegans.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jeff: "Do you have bathrooms here or do I have to bleep in a plant."
Shiloh: "Stupid bleeping idiot, red-shirted ass. You guys think you're so bleeping cool. Makes me sick! Let's go make fun of the vegans and their crazy lifestyle. We're not hurting anyone. Go eat a hamburger and choke on a cow dick."
Alex: "Aw. Someone missed their yoga class this morning."

inaplant.wav(24K) inaplant.mp3(24K) inaplant.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jeff: "Do you have bathrooms here or do I have to bleep in a plant."

red-shirted.wav(39K) red-shirted.mp3(39K) red-shirted.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Shiloh: "Stupid bleeping idiot, red-shirted ass."

makesmesick.wav(42K) makesmesick.mp3(42K) makesmesick.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Shiloh: "You guys think you're so bleeping cool. Makes me sick!"

cowdick.wav(29K) cowdick.mp3(29K) cowdick.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Shiloh: "Go eat a hamburger and choke on a cow dick."

nicekarma.wav(53K) nicekarma.mp3(53K) nicekarma.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jeff: "Nice karma, Guyblow."
Shiloh: "You said it wrong, stupid. It's Shiloh."

hairgrowing.wav(37K) hairgrowing.mp3(37K) hairgrowing.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Grandma Lilly: "I can hear my hair growing."

drankallmypot.wav(91K) drankallmypot.mp3(91K) drankallmypot.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "My grandma drank all my pot."
Jeff: "That is great. I'm just saying it's cool. I mean, how many people get to say that in their lifetime?"

notroublebro.wav(62K) notroublebro.mp3(62K) notroublebro.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dante: "There's no trouble, bro. They're people, just like you and me. Now hit this joint and have some fun."

whatsuphomie.wav(20K) whatsuphomie.mp3(20K) whatsuphomie.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Grandma Lilly: "What's up, homie?"

mygirlfriend.wav(160K) mygirlfriend.mp3(160K) mygirlfriend.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Barry: "Hey, Dante. Uh, my girlfriend and I caught you on the news yesterday."
Dante: "Really?"
Barry: "Yeah."
Dante: "By 'girlfriend,' do you mean that piece of fur you rub on your dick every night?"
Barry: "(Laughing) Yeah. Yeah."

karatemonkey.wav(181K) karatemonkey.mp3(181K) karatemonkey.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Kane: "Hey, man. Lookin' back, maybe that lion was a bad idea."
Dante: "That's why Dr. Shakalu's hookin' me up with a monkey. I'm gonna teach it tae kwon do."
Dr. Shakalu (Abdoulaye N'Gom): "(Speaking French)"
Barry: "Yeah, a... karate monkey. You know, that's-- that's probably safer."
Kane: "Yeah, it makes sense."

likearobot.wav(82K) likearobot.mp3(82K) likearobot.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Samantha: "Ew! It's J.P.'s phone number."
Alex: "Lucky you."
Samantha: "You guy's heard him talk like a robot?"
Jeff: "(Robot voice) He's a bleeping psycho."

babylovesmilk.wav(53K) babylovesmilk.mp3(53K) babylovesmilk.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Milk Maid (Heidi Hawking): "Baby want some milk?"
Barry: "Baby loves milk."

suckthosejugs.wav(30K) suckthosejugs.mp3(30K) suckthosejugs.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dante: "Yeah, suck those jugs, kid!"

icecreamsandwich.wav(40K) icecreamsandwich.mp3(40K) icecreamsandwich.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Grandma Lilly: "You want an ice cream sandwich? They're on whole wheat with lettuce."

whatsitlike.wav(265K) whatsitlike.mp3(265K) whatsitlike.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jeff: "So, I mean, what's it like being old? It's gotta be wierd, right? I mean, you saw a lot of stuff go down: World War I, World War II, the automobile, Tupac. I mean--"
Grace: "I once gave Charlie Chaplin a hand job."
Jeff: "No way! Was he silent?"
Grace: "Not after I was done with him."

mybeefstorng.wav(40K) mybeefstorng.mp3(40K) mybeefstorng.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dr. Shakalu: "My beef (sniffs) strong."

push-it.wav(329K) push-it.mp3(329K) push-it.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Samantha: "(Singing Salt-N-Pepa's 'Push It' then she passes out)"
Alex: "I bleeping love this girl!"

lovethisgirl.wav(34K) lovethisgirl.mp3(34K) lovethisgirl.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "I bleeping love this girl!"

hadaproblem.wav(86K) hadaproblem.mp3(86K) hadaproblem.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "You would have loved my grandfather. He was the coolest. He would have had a beer or two with us last light."
Grandma Lilly: "He would have had twenty. No, he had a problem."

youweremyfirst.wav(245K) youweremyfirst.mp3(245K) youweremyfirst.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jeff: "Grace, I have a confession to make. Uh, you... were my first."
Grace: "Really? Oh, that's sweet. Let's see. You were my uh... I don't know, 3,000 something."

mynameisjp.wav(52K) mynameisjp.mp3(52K) mynameisjp.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jeff: "Give me the phone. My name is J.P. I am a robot. I like robots. I have a robot vagina."

pioneer.wav(121K) pioneer.mp3(121K) pioneer.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Kane: "Do you think that she invented the hand job?"
Jeff: "Ooh. No, I don't. But she did say she started the finger in the ass during a blow job. Yeah. She was a pioneer."

onhisfirstbooby.wav(97K) onhisfirstbooby.mp3(97K) onhisfirstbooby.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jeff: "Uh, the big news from the party, ladies and gentlemen, Barry sucked on his first booby."
Barry: "For thirteen hours. (Applause)"

mystd.wav(78K) mystd.mp3(78K) mystd.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jeff: "So, who wants to hear about my S.T.D. from the silent film era? Yeah, hands up. This chick's pussy smelled like the Great Depressios."

youdoinhere.wav(15K) youdoinhere.mp3(15K) youdoinhere.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "The bleep are you doin' here?"

yourealegend.wav(19K) yourealegend.mp3(19K) yourealegend.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "You're a bleepin' legend, man."

mrleeho.wav(139K) mrleeho.mp3(139K) mrleeho.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "This guy's not gonna rip my heart out of my chest and show it to me, is he?"
Dante: "No. This is Mr. Lee Ho. He's teaching me and Monkey tae kwon do. I got my yellow belt today. Monkey got his red belt. He's a quick learner."

themonkeynow.wav(40K) themonkeynow.mp3(40K) themonkeynow.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "Where's the monkey now?"
Dante: "He's upstairs putting his nunchackus away."

drinkherfaceoff.wav(59K) drinkherfaceoff.mp3(59K) drinkherfaceoff.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dante: "Yo, that party was off the hook, kid. Your girl can drink her bleepin' face off."

igotcompanydude.wav(53K) igotcompanydude.mp3(53K) igotcompanydude.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dante: "Shut up, Monkey. I got company, dude."

fullonchinese.wav(59K) fullonchinese.mp3(59K) fullonchinese.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dante: "Lee Ho's the real deal. He's full-on Chinese."
Alex: "Yeah, I can see that."

robothead.wav(44K) robothead.mp3(44K) robothead.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "Dude, I will come over there and kick your robot head right off of that skinny bleepin' body."

cloudingtheenergy.wav(28K) cloudingtheenergy.mp3(28K) cloudingtheenergy.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Mr. Cheezle: "You're really clouding the energy in this room right now."

iquit.wav(134K) iquit.mp3(134K) iquit.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Mr. Cheezle: "Okay, now your energy is really scaring me."
Alex: "You know what? Bleep energy! Bleep J.P! Bleep Brainasium! Bleep all of you! I quit!"
Samantha: "Wait! Alex--"
Mr. Cheezle: "Let him go. Let him go. Let him find his center and realign his chi."

scaringme.wav(29K) scaringme.mp3(29K) scaringme.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Mr. Cheezle: "Okay, now your energy is really scaring me."

intoonejoint.wav(207K) intoonejoint.mp3(207K) intoonejoint.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "I want you to take the Frankenstein bleep, the deer bleep, the green monster, the bling and the bling-bling and I want you to roll it all into one joint."
Dante: "No one's ever been brave enough to try that."
Alex: "One man is. Roll it."
Dante: "I'll smoke it with you, bro. We'll go to the loony bin together. I don't give a bleep."

loonybintogether.wav(49K) loonybintogether.mp3(49K) loonybintogether.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dante: "I'll smoke it with you, bro. We'll go to the loony bin together. I don't give a bleep."

zombies.wav(172K) zombies.mp3(172K) zombies.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Samantha: "It's just that there was an argument at work over this video game, and--"
Grandma Lilly: "Alex's game, 'Demonic'?"
Samantha: "Yeah. Do you know it?"
Grandma Lilly: "Of course. I love it. I'm almost at the final checking point except I have to deal with those zombies. They keep biting my neck."

discoverychannel.wav(87K) discoverychannel.mp3(87K) discoverychannel.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dante: "I'm videotapin' this for scientific research. This bleep will be on the Discovery Channel."

dontjudgeme.wav(18K) dontjudgeme.mp3(18K) dontjudgeme.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "Don't judge me, Monkey."

startedafightclub.wav(44K) startedafightclub.mp3(44K) startedafightclub.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Grace: "Why are you so sweaty?"
Jeff: "Oh, I started a fight club."

yougotskills.wav(21K) yougotskills.mp3(21K) yougotskills.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "You got skills."

haveatumor.wav(113K) haveatumor.mp3(113K) haveatumor.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dante: "(Phone ringing) What is that ringing? Do I have a tumor?"

itsthedevil.wav(73K) itsthedevil.mp3(73K) itsthedevil.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dante: "Hello?"
Jeff: "Hey, Dante. Is Alex there?"
Dante: "Hold on. Phone's for you. I think it's the devil."

bakedareyou.wav(382K) bakedareyou.mp3(382K) bakedareyou.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dante: "Phone's for you. I think it's the devil."
Alex: "Hello?"
Jeff: "Hey, Alex. You gotta come back to work."
Alex: "I quit there bleepin' months ago, man."
Jeff: "How baked are you right now?"
Alex: "Who is this? (Laughing) Is this Marv Albert?"
Jeff: "God, you're torched. Um, okay, look. There is an emergency. J.P. revealed himself to be an actual robot and he kidnapped your grandma, and he's gonna eat her soul out of her head."
Alex: "My grandmother's in trouble? I'll be right there."

howmuchtime.wav(86K) howmuchtime.mp3(86K) howmuchtime.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Grace: "How much time do we have?"
Jeff: "Enough time to 69."
Grace: "Oh, just like Don Knotts."
Jeff: "Oh, hello Mayberry."

thedevilshouse.wav(56K) thedevilshouse.mp3(56K) thedevilshouse.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alex: "You gotta give me a ride."
Dante: "I'm way too baked to drive to the devil's house."

dirivemonkeydrive.wav(83K) dirivemonkeydrive.mp3(83K) dirivemonkeydrive.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dante: "Drive Monkey, drive!"

iwilltasteyourflesh.wav(33K) iwilltasteyourflesh.mp3(33K) iwilltasteyourflesh.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Video Game: "I will taste your flesh!"

getyourweed.wav(332K) getyourweed.mp3(332K) getyourweed.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Mr. Cheezle: "You know, I had a dream last night. I was a snake slithering through the grass until I came upon a dead elk. And I climbed... into his soul. And it's there I stayed until morning. Which meant that I will... underestimate someone very close to me."
Dante: "Wow! Where do you get your weed?"
Mr. Cheezle: "From you, Dante."
Dante: "Oh, yeah! What's up, Mr. Cheezle?"

brownbomber.wav(195K) brownbomber.mp3(195K) brownbomber.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dante: "Hold up, yo. I've been savin' this weed for a special occasion."
Samantha: "What kind is this?"
Dante: "This one's called the brown bomber 'cause when you smoke it, you get so stoned you bleep your pants!"
Jeff: "I'm not- I don't wanna do that."
Barry: "Uh, yeah. I already bleep my pants this month, so I'm good."

theelephant.wav(261K) theelephant.mp3(261K) theelephant.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Zane: "(Loud thud) Uh, what the bleep was that?"
Dante: "That's a present Dr. Shakalu and I got for Alex."
Dr. Shakalu: "(Clicks his tongue and laughs)"
Alex: "(Loud thud) Dude, a bag of weed would have been fine. (Elephant trumpets)"
Dante: "Yeah, Monkey! Karate chop the elephant!"

grandmasboyee.wav(2673K) grandmasboyee.mp3(2673K) grandmasboyee.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Kool Keith & Kutmasta Kurt: "('Grandma's Boyee' written by Kurt Matlin & Keith Thorton performed by Kool Keith & Kutmasta Kurt Courtesy of Funky Ass Records from the cridits)"