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Inspector Frank Butterman (Jim Broadbent): "And he had one thing you haven't got."
Sgt. Nicholas Angel (Simon Pegg): "What's that, sir?"
Inspector Butterman: "A great big bushy beard!"

PC Danny Butterman (Nick Frost): "Did you shoot anybody?"
DS Andy Wainwright (Paddy Considine): "He shot a crack head with a Kalashnikov."
PC Danny Butterman: "Oah. Where'd you get that?"
Sgt. Angel: "The offender had the Kalashnikov."
PC Danny Butterman: "Oah. Where'd he get that?"

DS Andy Wainwright: "You do know that there are more guns in the country than there are in the city?"
DC Andy Cartwright (Rafe Spall): "Everybody and their mums is packing round here"
Sgt. Angel: "Like who?"
DS Andy Wainwright: "Farmers."
Sgt. Angel: "Who else?"
DC Andy Cartwright: "Farmer's mums."

PC Danny Butterman: "Is it true that there is a place in a man's head that if you shoot it, it will blow up?"

Sgt. Angel: "Can you describe it to me?"
Peter Ian Staker (Stephen Merchant): "It's about, uh, two foot tall. Um, long slender neck."
Sgt. Angel: "Yeah."
Peter Ian Staker: "Kind of orange and black bill."
Sgt. Angel: "Anything else?"
Peter Ian Staker: "Well, it's a swan."

PC Danny Butterman: "Haven't you ever seen Point Break?"
Sgt. Angel: "No."
PC Danny Butterman: "Amazing bit in Point Break where they jump over fences."
Sgt. Angel: "Is there now? Twenty-nine."
PC Danny Butterman: "Patrick Swayze's just robbed this bank and Keanu Reeves is chasing him through people's gardens, and he goes to shoot Swayze but he can't, 'cause he loves him so much, and he's firing his gun up in the air, he's like ahhhhhh!"
Sgt. Angel: "Thirty."
PC Danny Butterman: "Have you ever fired your gun up in the air and gone ahh."
Sgt. Angel: "No, I have not ever fired my gun up in the air and gone, ahhh!"

PC Danny Butterman: "I just feel like I'm missing out sometimes. I wanna do what you do."
Sgt. Angel: "You do, do what I do. What on earth do you think you're missing out on?"
PC Danny Butterman: "Gun fights. Car chases. Proper action and shit."
Sgt. Angel: "Police work is not about proper action or shit."

Arthur Webley (David Bradley): "(Speaking incoherently)"
Sgt. Angel: "Right. What did he say?"
PC Bob Walker (Karl Johnson): "(Translates a little more coherently)"
Sgt. Angel: "What did he say?"
PC Danny Butterman: "He said, 'An hedge is an hedge. He only chopped it down 'cause it spoilt his view. What's Reaper moaning about?'."
Sgt. Angel: "Rght. Look, I appreciate your position, Mr. Webley, but you can't go around chopping down other people's hedges without permission."
Arthur Webley: "(Speaking incoherently)"
PC Bob Walker: "(Translates a little more coherently)"
PC Danny Butterman: "'Yes, I suppose.'"
Sgt. Angel: "Thank you."
Arthur Webley: "(Speaking incoherently)"
PC Bob Walker: "(Translates a little more coherently)"
PC Danny Butterman: "Alright."

PC Danny Butterman: "By the power of Gray Skull."

Sgt. Angel: "Mr. Porter, what's your wine selection?"
Roy Porter (Peter Wight): "Oh, we got red or... white."

Sgt. Angel: "I wanted to be like Uncle Derek."
PC Danny Butterman: "He sounds like a good bloke."
Sgt. Angel: "Actually he was arrested for selling drugs to students."
PC Danny Butterman: "What a bleep"

Sgt. Angel: "By the power of Gray Skull."

Tom Weaver (Edward Woodward): "I told hi several times, you shouldn't eat late at night."
PC Doris Thatcher (Olivia Colman): "Oh, I don't know. I quite like a midnight gobble. Ha ha."
PC Bob Walker: "Cocks."

Sgt. Tony Fisher (Kevin Eldon): "So, what do we recon? Angel?"
Sgt. Angel: "Huh?"
Sgt. Tony Fisher: "(whispers) Help me."
Sgt. Angel: "Uh, um, okay, we get a proper cordon up, we let the fire crews finish their stuff, and then we get forensics in to do a thorough sweep of the house."
Sgt. Tony Fisher: "Very good. What he said."

PC Danny Butterman: "I've never shot anyone before."
Sgt. Angel: "Danny, believe me, it's not something you ever get used to."
PC Danny Butterman: "Yeah. Maybe we should go on the bouncy castle. Take our minds off of it."

Sgt. Angel: "Did you find anything?"
DS Andy Wainwright: "Yeah. I was extremely shocked when I looked at my watch and discovered that I should be in the pub."

Leslie Tiller (Anne Reid): "Of course, Cousin Sissy won't be too happy about that, but as far as I'm concerned, Cousin Sissy con go and fu..."
Sgt. Angel: "Would you just excuse me for one second?"

Sgt. Tony Fisher: "Hang about, hang about. You're saying this wasn't an accident?"
Sgt. Angel: "(He puts a coin in the swear jar) Leslie Tiller was bleeping murdered!"
DC Andy Cartwright: "Just like Tim Messenger?"
Sgt. Angel: "Yes!"
DS Andy Wainwright: "George Merchant?"
Sgt. Angel: "Yes!"
DS Andy Wainwright: "And Eve Draper?"
Sgt. Angel: "Yes"
DC Andy Cartwright: "Martin Blower?"
Sgt. Angel: "No, actually."
Everyone: "Really?"
Sgt. Angel: "Of course he bleeping was! (Danny puts a coin in the swear jar) Thank you, Danny!"
DS Andy Wainwright: "Oh, murder, murder, murder. Change the bleeping record. (Cartwright puts a coin in the swear jar) Thank you Andy."

DS Andy Wainwright: "Oh, murder, murder, murder."

Sgt. Angel: "Am I going completely mad?!"

Sgt. Angel: "Mr. Skinner, What you do with your land is of no concern of mine, so... (He blows a raspberry) ...jog on."

Simon Skinner (Timothy Dalton): "My, he is tenacious, isn't he?"

Sgt. Angel: "How can this be for the greater good?"
Everyone: "The greater good."
Sgt. Angel: "Shut it!"

Sgt. Angel: "And I'm afraid you're gonna have to come with me. You are all gonna have to come with me."
Inspector Frank Butterman: "No, Nicholas, I'm afraid it is you who is going to have to come with us."

Heston Services Clerk (Colin Michael Carmichael): "Is there anything I can do for you?"
Sgt. Angel: "No, this is something I have to do myself."

Sgt. Angel: "Morning."

Sgt. Angel: "That's what I'm talking about."

Sgt. Angel: "Still feel like you're missing out?"

Rev. Philip Shooter (Paul Freeman): "You may not be a man of God, but surely you're a man of peace."
Sgt. Angel: "I may not be a man of God, Reverend, but I know right, and I know wrong, and I have the good grace to know which is which."
Rev. Shooter: "Oh, bleep off, Grasshopper."

Rev. Shooter: "You may not be a man of God, but surely you're a man of peace."
Sgt. Angel: "I may not be a man of God, Reverend, but I know right, and I know wrong, and I have the good grace to know which is which."

Sgt. Angel: "You're a Doctor, deal with it."
PC Danny Butterman: "Yeah, motherbleeper."

Inspector Frank Butterman: "Danny, you'll do as you're told."

DC Andy Cartwright: "What the bleep is he on about?"
DS Andy Wainwright: "Bleep are you on about?"

Sgt. Angel: "Is this what you really really want?"
Michael Armstrong (Roy McCann): "Yarp."

PC Danny Butterman: "How's Lurch?"
Sgt. Angel: "He's in the freezer."
PC Danny Butterman: "Did you say, 'Cool off.'? No' I didn't say anything, actually."
Sgt. Angel: "It's a shame."
PC Danny Butterman: "There was bit earlier on that you missed when I distracted him with the cuddly monkey. And then I said, 'Playtime's over.', and I hit him with the Peace Lily."
Sgt. Angel: "You're off the bleeping chain!"

PC Danny Butterman: "How's Lurch?"
Sgt. Angel: "He's in the freezer."
PC Danny Butterman: "Did you say, 'Cool off.'? No' I didn't say anything, actually."
Sgt. Angel: "It's a shame."

Sgt. Angel: "What's the situation?"
DS Andy Wainwright: "Two blokes and a bleepload of cutlery. "

DS Andy Wainwright: "Nice on, Doris."
PC Doris Thatcher: "Nothing like a bit of girl on girl. (Everyone laughs)"

PC Danny Butterman: "I'll drive!"
Sgt. Angel: "Shotgun! Punch that shit!"

Simon Skinner: "Stay back, or the ginger nut gets it!"

Simon Skinner: "Get... out... of my... village!"
Sgt. Angel: "It's not your village anymore!"

Simon Skinner: "Get... out... of my... village!"

Simon Skinner: "Owwww! This really hurts!"

Sgt. Angel: "Pack it in, Frank, you silly bastard!"

Sgt. Angel: "I feel like I should say something smart."
PC Danny Butterman: "You don't have to say anything at all."

Sgt. Angel: "Little hand says it's time to rock and roll."
PC Danny Butterman: "Bring the noise."