All wavs on this page were sampled at (8 bit mono 11Khz) and all mp3s on this page were sampled at (80kbs 44Khz).

bagoffingers.wav(58K) bagoffingers.mp3(58K)

Steve Barker (Johnny Knoxville): "It's okay, it's not that big of a deal. Sombody help me, I've got a bag of fingers here!"

dionsanders.wav(27K) dionsanders.mp3(27K)

Michael (Alcides Dias): "That guy is the Deion Sanders of retards."

ilovethatkid.wav(187K) ilovethatkid.mp3(187K)

Jimmy Washington (Leonard Flowers): "People tell me I'm good. I feel good. I feel like a happy person. I feel just like all of you."
Michael: "I love that kid."

parishilton.wav(55K) parishilton.mp3(55K)

Steve: "Who is it?"
Gary (Brian Cox): "It's Paris Hilton."

youwannafix.wav(27K) youwannafix.mp3(27K)

Steve: "You wanna fix the Special Olympics?"

inhollywood.wav(30K) inhollywood.mp3(30K)

Gary: "We all thought you'd end up in Hollywood banging starlets by now."

thatdream.wav(26K) thatdream.mp3(26K)

Steve: "Yeah, well, that dream didn't work out too well, now, did it?"

hisfingersback.wav(131K) hisfingersback.mp3(131K)

Gary: "The preliminaries are being held here in three days. All you have to do is act like one of them. Not exactly a major stretch for you. We get you into the nationals, I bet 100 on you, we clean up, your friend gets his fingers back."

carllewis.wav(128K) carllewis.mp3(128K)

Steve: "No. I can't."
Gary: "Aw, come on. A normal guy against a bunch of feebs? You'll look like Carl freakin' Lewis out there."
Steve: "I am not fixing the Special Olympics! It's wrong!"

hisdignity.wav(112K) hisdignity.mp3(112K)

Gary: "The guy's wife is dead. You think a guy with no fingers is gonna find another woman? Even worse, when he comes home by himself, he won't even be able to jerk off propely because you robbed that man of his dignity!"

wrongwithyou.wav(188K) wrongwithyou.mp3(188K)

Gary: "We gotta come up with a slogan. A slogan, you know, like, uh, 'Life is like a box of chocolates.' Or, 'Take my hands, boss,' like that monster tard from The Green Mile."
Steve: "'Monster Tard'? What's wrong with you?"
Gary: "What? Since when did 'tard' become politically incorrect?"
Steve: "Good night, Uncle Gary."

goingtohell.wav(148K) goingtohell.mp3(148K)

Steve: "I'm going to hell. My name in Lance, and I like nuts. My name is Arther, and I can count to potato. Hi, my name is Jerome. Can I have a slice of your doodie?"

wantfrieswiththat.wav(62K) wantfrieswiththat.mp3(62K)

Glen (Jed Rees): "Guess what, guess what."
Steve: "What?"
Glen: "I work at Burger King. (Whispers) Do you want fries with that?"

goforgold.wav(44K) goforgold.mp3(44K)

Steve: "Go for gold! Go for gold!"

walkingmydog.wav(54K) walkingmydog.mp3(54K)

Steve: "So, you working on the computer there?"
Billy (Edward Barbanell): "No, I'm walking my dog."

scratch.wav(354K) scratch.mp3(354K)

Steve: "'Kids of Widey High.' What are they, like 'N Sync or something? (He dreps the cd) Oh."
Billy: "Scratch! Scratch! Oh, my stars! For the love of Liza! You scratched my CD!"
Mark (Leonard Earl Howze): "Why'd you scratch his CD?"
Steve: "Jeffy just admiring it."
Mark: "Do it again, and you'll be admiring my butt from from the pavement with a straw."
Steve: "What?"
Mark: "You heard me."

youscratchedit.wav(298K) youscratchedit.mp3(298K)

Billy: "You scratched my CD, you know."
Steve: "I know, and I'm really sorry."
Billy: "You scratched it. You picked it up in clear daylight and you scratched it."
Steve: "I know. You know, we've established that."
Billy: "Hey, don't give me 'tude. You scratched my CD, Tex."
Steve: "Billy, if you'll listen to me, I'm clearly not disputing that. I'm just trying to apologize."
Billy: "Ah, tut, tut, tut. Bye-bye."

byebye.wav(34K) byebye.mp3(34K)

Billy: "Ah, tut, tut, tut. Bye-bye."

beatyourbutt.wav(41K) beatyourbutt.mp3(41K)

Steve: "Good luck."
Rudy (John Taylor): "I don't need luck, ugly. Rudy beat your butt!"

shirtupordown.wav(143K) shirtupordown.mp3(143K)

Thomas (Bill Chott): "When I talk to Karen, should I wear my shirt up, like this, or down? Or-or up? Or possibly... tucked in?"

whoisebay.wav(51K) whoisebay.mp3(51K)

Thomas: "Can I have the autograph please?"
Jimmy: "Get it off ebay."
Thomas: "Who is ebay?"

newhairnet.wav(146K) newhairnet.mp3(146K)

Billy: "Hi, Sally. Looking very hot today. Is that a now hairnet? Oh, Mylanta. You are my woman."

speeddating.wav(57K) speeddating.mp3(57K)

Rudy: "I once met a girl speed dating. We almost went out for a whole minute."

mydoberman.wav(89K) mydoberman.mp3(89K)

Thomas: "This is-- This is my Doberman, Candy. He usually doesn't bite me, only sometimes, although, he does."

ohyesyouare.wav(25K) ohyesyouare.mp3(25K)

Rudy: "Oh yes you are!"

herefishies.wav(18K) herefishies.mp3(18K)

Steve: "Here fishies. (He throws a bone in the river)"

yournotspecial.wav(134K) yournotspecial.mp3(134K)

Mark: "You're a faker!"
Thomas: "A mother faker!"
Steve: "Jeffy doesn't understand. Jeffy cocoa for Cuckoo Puffs. Jeffy..."
Glen: "Shut up with that, you stupid A-S-S."
Billy: "yeah, we know you're not special."
Mark: "Yeah."

betteracting.wav(183K) betteracting.mp3(183K)

Mark: "'My name is Jeffy.', 'Can I have a hug?', I've seen better acting on pornos."
Rudy: "You lay it on too thick."
Thomas: "Yeah, we do that too when we want things!"
Glen "Yeah, show him what you did last year when Pamela Anderson came to see us. (Mark grabs Glen's chest) Hey, not so aggressive."

wrongofme.wav(44K) wrongofme.mp3(44K)

Steve: "It was wrong of me to try and fool you."
Rudy: "Duh. "

imbaffled.wav(365K) imbaffled.mp3(365K)

Steve: "(He gets done explaining the truth and his story to them) And that's how I got here."
Billy: "What?"
Winston (Geoffrey Arend): "Do you know what he's talking about?"
Rudy: "I'm baffled, Jeffy."
Steve: "It's not Jeffy. It's Steve."
All of Them: "Oh!"
Winston: "It's Steve, not Jeffy."
Mark: "Yeah, oh!"
Glen: "I thought you said your name was Stavi."
Steve: "No, I'm Steve, not Stavi."
Rudy: "Just get your story straight."
Steve: "Stavi lost his fingers."
Billy: "Does he have insurance? Medicare, Medicade or Aflac?"

wrapitup.wav(79K) wrapitup.mp3(79K)

Steve: "So, in summation-- Hey, Rudy, come on, stick with me here."
Rudy: "Okay, okay. Wrap it up."

poorstavi.wav(81K) poorstavi.mp3(81K)

Thomas: "Wow! Poor Stavi!"
Glen: "Boy, Steve, you really screwed that guy over."

sickofjimmy.wav(228K) sickofjimmy.mp3(228K)

Glen: "Yeah, we're sick of Jimmy winning all the time."
Thomas: "Jimmy's a prick!"
Billy: "Oh, god, we're sick and tired of seeing his mug on TV. Dateline, Wheaties."
Mark: "Yeah, last week, he was on According to Jim."
Winston: "Let's be fair, that was a good episode."
Steve: "You guys think I can beat him?"
Winston: "I didn't say that."

steverun.wav(19K) steverun.mp3(19K)

Glen: "Come on, Steve, Run!"

stinksoutloud.wav(32K) stinksoutloud.mp3(32K)

Billy: "Ah! He stinks out loud."

proteinshake.wav(185K) proteinshake.mp3(185K)

Billy: "Protein shake, drink up."
Steve: "Oh, god, what's in that?"
Glen: "Milk, eggs and meat."
Steve: "What kind of meat?"
Mark: "Raw."

agoodpoint.wav(134K) agoodpoint.mp3(134K)

Steve: "(Mark is hitting Steve in the stomach) Hey, guys, how's this helping me win the race?"
Thomas: "You know, he raises a good point."
Winston: "(Mark hits him one more below the belt line) Special Olympics!"

blindfold.wav(127K) blindfold.mp3(127K)

Steve: "How's a blindfold gonna help me run faster?"
Rudy: "Take it off and I'll show you. (German Shepherd growling and barking) Sic him, Killer. Get the bad man."

alwayskinkos.wav(92K) alwayskinkos.mp3(92K)

Mark: "You been working at that job for two years, but you hate it?"
Steve: "What else am I gonna do?"
Winston: "Well, there's always Kinko's."

beanactor.wav(472K) beanactor.mp3(472K)

Steve: "In high school, I wanted to be an actor, but, uh, that didn't turn out so hot."
Rudy: "So you went to Hollywood?"
Steve: "No."
Thomas: "He went to Broadway. Right, Steve?"
Steve: "Actually, I didn't get around to that either."
Glen: "Summer stock."
Steve: "No. Everyone told me I wasn't going to make it anyway though."
Glen: "People tell us all the time what we won't what we won't ever do. Won't ever read. Won't ever have a job. Won't ever learn to tie my own shoes. Won't ever have a girlfriend. Why, I've done all of those things."
Mark: "But you can't tie your own shoes."
Winston: "And you never had a girlfriend."
Glen: "That's right."

hadtosayit.wav(170K) hadtosayit.mp3(170K)

Thomas: "But, guys, acting is hard. You have to remember lines."
Billy: "Let's not kid ourselves. Looks are important in that industry."
Rudy: "It's true. Very true."
Billy: "I'm sorry. Somebody had to say it."

campingisfun.wav(21K) campingisfun.mp3(21K)

Billy: "This camping is fun."

sayhername.wav(140K) sayhername.mp3(140K)

Steve: "Is that Karen?"
Thomas: "Shh! Don't say her name! What if she heard you? I don't want her to know I like her. Then she-- Did you know Christ was a Jew?"

whata.wav(21K) whata.mp3(21K)

Thomas: "What a cockblock."

smoothmove.wav(24K) smoothmove.mp3(24K)

Rudy: "Smooth move, Ajax."

protection.wav(27K) protection.mp3(27K)

Thomas: "I would definitely bring protection."

michaeljordan.wav(159K) michaeljordan.mp3(159K)

Jimmy: "Jimmp wouldn't say that."
???: "Jim, it's pretty standard. 'I'm going to Disneyworld!'"
Jimmy: "Uh-uh."
???: "Come on, Jimbo! All the great athleats say that after they win. Michael Jordan said it."
Jimmy: "Michael Jordan can kiss my butt. Write me something new."

whathappened.wav(86K) whathappened.mp3(86K)

Matt (Bo Kane): "What happened here?"
Thomas: "Pipe broke."
Mark: "It's failty plumbing!"
Glen: "It's snowing!"
Winston: "I had an accident!"
Billy: "A really big one!"

pianoman.wav(294K) pianoman.mp3(294K)

Glen: "(Playing and singing a little bit of Piano Man written by Billy Joel)"
Rudy: "That'd be Mr. Billy Joel in February, 1974 with, uh, the 'Piano Man'"
Glen: "Okay, okay, what's this one? What's this one? (Playing a little bit of My Cherie Amour written by Stevie Wonder)"
Rudy: "That's Mr. Stevie Wonder in the summer of 1969 with 'My Cherie Amour'"
Glen: "Stupendous."

thatsagreatmovie.wav(96K) thatsagreatmovie.mp3(96K)

Winston: "Steve, go ahead, ask me any movie."
Steve: "Um, Jaws."
Winston: "That's a great movie."

nodropofffee.wav(122K) nodropofffee.mp3(122K)

Steve: "We can't go anywhere."
Rudy: "Come on, give me a break, Steve."
Steve: "Look, I don't even have a car."
Rudy: "You could rent a car. Budget Rent-a-Car. No drop-off fee whatsoever."

itsbeautiful.wav(56K) itsbeautiful.mp3(56K)

Rudy: "It's beautiful. It's dancing and it's dirty."

ohmylanta.wav(25K) ohmylanta.mp3(25K)

Billy: "Oh, Mylanta."

lynnsboyfriend.wav(33K) lynnsboyfriend.mp3(33K)

Winston: "Hi, Lynn's boyfriend and not Lynn."

buddysears.wav(114K) buddysears.mp3(114K)

Steve: "Hello, waitress."
Winston: "No, that's Lynn's boyfriend's cousin."
Brandi (Lauren-Elaine Edleson): "No, no. I'm not his cousin. I'm not your cousin."
David Patrick (Zen Gesner): "No, not cousin. She's just a buddy."
Brandi: "Buddy?"
Glen: "He was licking his buddy's ears."

hookerlady.wav(18K) hookerlady.mp3(18K)

Thomas: "Good-bye, hooker lady!"

icecream.wav(111K) icecream.mp3(111K)

David: "Relax, honey. I just took 'em out to the mall to hang out."
Lynn Sheridan (Katherine Heigl): "The mall closes at 9:00. It's 12:00."
David: "We stopped off for ice cream."
Winston: "When the bleep did we get ice cream?"

icecream2.wav(439K) icecream2.mp3(439K)

David: "We stopped off for ice cream."
Winston: "When the bleep did we get ice cream?"
Lynn: "Jeffy, I won't be mad. Just tell me the truth. Where were you guys?"
Winston: "Did you get ice cream?"
Steve: "Daid told Jeffy to to talk about his pants around his ankles and the girl looking for her earing."
Lynn: "How could you?"
David: "They're making up stories. It's late for them. They're delirious."
Winston: "Was I sleeping?"
Lynn: "Kara, Shane, will you get these guys into their rooms?"
David: "Come on, Lynn!"
Winston: "Can I get that ice cream now?"

lumpmeinwithyou.wav(128K) lumpmeinwithyou.mp3(128K)

Steve: "How come guys like us never get the girl?"
Thomas: "Don't lump me in with you. I get the girl sometimes."
Steve: "Calm down. I was just trying to cheer you up."
Thomas: "How? By calling us both losers?"

youup.wav(50K) youup.mp3(50K)

Steve: "Billy, you up?"
Billy: "No."

nograyareas.wav(165K) nograyareas.mp3(165K)

Steve: "Do you think there are good people and bad people? Or do you think life gets so hard sometimes good people have to do bad things?"
Billy: "Nah. Just good people and bad people. There's no gray areas."

behindyou.wav(304K) behindyou.mp3(304K)

Steve: "Glen, you won!"
Glen: "What? I did? Oh, I'm sorry."
Steve: "What are you sorry about?"
Glen: "Well, now Stavi can't get his fingers back."
Steve: "No, he can. All Jimmy had to do was lose. And he did because of you!"
Glen: "Well, if I knew that, I wouldn't have stayed behind you so long. Excuse me. Whoo!"

whoo.wav(23K) whoo.mp3(23K)

Glen: "Whoo!"

phoningitin.wav(159K) phoningitin.mp3(159K)

Billy: "But soft. What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. Yada-yada-yada. Yada-yada-yada."
Steve: "Come on, Billy. You're phoning it in."
Billy: "Look, I told you- Jackie Gleason didn't rehearse, and neither do I."

keepyourpantson.wav(48K) keepyourpantson.mp3(48K)

Steve: "Now, come on, Billy. Let's do it, from the top."
Billy: "Keep your pants on, Speilberg!"

godanish.wav(98K) godanish.mp3(98K)

Glen: "Thanks for springing for lunch. Next time we'll go Danish and split it 60-60."
Steve: "Don't you mean 50-50?"
Glen: "What, you don't tip?"

mywater.wav(103K) mywater.mp3(103K)

Billy: "Thomas, where's my water? My throat is parched."
Thomas: "What kind do you want, Evian or tap water?"
Billy: "Surprise me."

myforehead.wav(40K) myforehead.mp3(40K)

Lynn: "Are you sure you're okay?"
Steve: "I'm fine. I broke the fall with my forehead."

gaveusalljobs.wav(69K) gaveusalljobs.mp3(69K)

Thomas: "Steve gave us all jobs. Isn't that wonderfully nice, Lynn?"
Glen: "One could almost say Christ-like."

totallyignorant.wav(64K) totallyignorant.mp3(64K)

Steve: "Lynn, I promise I had nothing to do with it."
Winston: "It's true, Lynn. He's totally ignorant."